What should be the goal of a man’s life? For the simplest and most correct answer we can look to Ecclesiastes 12:13 “Fear God and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man” While that is true and worth committing to your memory it lacks some specifics and is burdened by our culture’s narrow interpretation of God.
So, to be able to gain some clarity we must discuss a set of behaviors that can either be generalized to the fear of God or which do not run contrary to the fear of God. I offer here a discussion of what makes a man happy and most closely aligned with the will of God. Personally, I gladly accept the paradigm of being a hetero-normative man and have discovered through the years that I enjoy what most men enjoy: Success and love.
Success is found through focused self-discipline towards a certain skill that a man will master throughout his career. The more leverage that skill presents, the more money the man will command during his working years. All income and better working conditions are earned through the forcing of your employer’s hand. Remember that. No one wants to pay you a dime unless you can demonstrate your worth.
You can choose any number of valuable skills. I recommend one of the skilled trades so that you can start a small business and set your own hourly rates. There is a saying that you must not build your ladder against the wrong building. My interpretation of that is, in part, to pursue a line of work with a very high skill cap. Find something woefully difficult and you will have fewer competitors and a greater share of the market.
I chose software and electrical engineering and have fallen madly in love with both. There is always a more efficient way to approach a problem and your income level is tied directly to your level of utility within the market. I am always pursuing another certificate and I enjoy the flattery of having recruiters knocking at my door. But engineering is not the only thing that is useful to society and there’s nothing special about it. If you do become a skilled programmer watch your ego. Although you may be proud of yourself for mastering a technical concept no one else wants to fan the flames of your ego – trust me it’s tacky.
Before I discuss my advice on the correct way to earn a woman’s love, I want to talk about something more critical: How a man should act when single or otherwise alone. Verse 14 of Ecclesiastes 12 says “For God shall bring every work into judgement, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil.” Let’s talk about those secret things.
It is the time you spend alone that makes the difference in your life. While you wait patiently to earn that partner of your dreams or start the family you want to raise. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you will mature when the situation demands it. Habits can be sick little bastards, showing their ugliness even when you wish they wouldn’t. Let’s get straight down to specifics.
Cleanliness. Like most men, I don’t find pleasure in decorating my living spaces beyond a few LED light strips. Organization and cleanliness are, however, non-negotiables. The clarity of your mind starts with the orderliness of your living space. If it helps motivate you, you can imagine having a date over to your place. How would you want it to look? Keep it that clean every day – you never know when a lovely lady could make an appearance.
I have found success with clear plastic bins in which to keep my clothes sorted by category. There is a bin for pants, one for shirts, another for long-sleeves, etc. I have successfully divorced myself from folding or hanging clothes while maintaining a clear categorization of my articles. You can go one step further and pair large plastic bins with some industrial metal shelving to create a vertically accessed open-air closet. Sweep, mop, and wash your bed sheets once a week at least. Put it on your calendar if it helps.
Frugality. It doesn’t matter what your salary is because if you spend without self-control you will have nothing left. Without discipline and awareness of where your money is going you will spend up to and beyond your means. I used to believe that being in credit card debt was a sign of mental weakness. While that is true, you must also realize that credit cards are designed as psychological traps that boost your ego with high spending limits because you have “good credit”. Credit isn’t cash. Your credit limit is only a measure of how many more years you will have to work before you have a hope to retire. I eliminated my credit cards three years ago and it made no difference in my ability to purchase a home. Don’t believe the lies, cut that shit up once you have established enough credit history to not need credit cards.
Avoiding credit traps is one side of frugality and prudence but there are several others. The simple saying from my father was “Mind your pennies and the dollars will take care of themselves”. Despite inflation, this aphorism maintains value. Put simply, if you practice mindfulness each time you spend you will practice mindfulness in all of your financial decisions. I recommend that you start by eating at home. You may not notice an immediate impact on your available spending money but that isn’t the point. The habit of disciplining yourself to eat a less palatable turkey and cheese sandwich will carry through to other purchases.
Exercise. There is no better drug than a good run. It works on all axes of your life. I don’t expect you to care about your cholesterol but don’t you want to get rid of that belly? There is a high degree of self-confidence that comes from disciplining yourself just to show up at the gym. When I am truly exhausted and can’t manage to run, I will go to the gym and read a book. I do this because I know that the hardest part is showing up and maintaining that habit of physical fitness.
If you’ve developed even a few of the aforementioned disciplines you will be in a much better place to pursue love. I don’t say that to be judgmental. If you love love than be honest with yourself and learn how to earn love the right way, the way of the gentleman.
Earning the love of a mature, kind, and wise woman is truly a worthwhile Pursuit. First things first. Women owe you nothing. You have no right to be upset when a woman rejects you. The only appropriate course of action after being rejected is say “Thank you, have a nice day” with both your actions and your words. Like me, you may need some therapy to overcome a false sense of entitlement that a patriarchal world reinforces. Make no mistakes – love is earned, not given.
Now for some good news. There is not, contrary to what your insecurities may tell you, any genetic blessing that is holding you back. Unlike a man’s career, the pursuit of romance requires not an outward look but an inward look. It is not through exploitation of your small slice of the job market that you can earn the love of a woman or through displays of wealth. Instead it is through painfully honest self-reflection and personal development that you earn the heart of the damsel. If you take only one thing away from this know that it’s not the looks or the wealth that make the man – it is his mind and soul which must be irresistible.
The other dimension besides self-development is rote courage and a sufficiently thorough desensitization to rejection. Don’t waste time telling yourself “other guys have it easy”. Forget about other guys – be independent and find love your way. The paradox of attraction is that you must have a solid sense of self-worth while simultaneously making yourself vulnerable by giving women the chance to decline your advances. Any man who isn’t rejected often is a coward who is aiming too low. To reach your goal there is no better exercise than to be hear a woman to whom you are attracted say “No, I don’t want you”. You must train yourself to appreciate rejection until you can detach your self-worth from the evaluation of a woman. Only then will you have become a truly brave man.
There are many things you can do while you are single to prepare yourself for the woman of your dreams. Take up a habit of reading. Reading gives you many fascinating perspectives and factoids with which to spice up any conversation. Don’t read what you think women will like – that’s desperate. Do take the time to find books that you will be motivated to focus on until finished. There is no right genre because the benefits of reading are pervasive no matter the topic of the book. What you are doing is developing verbal fluency and gaining a structure to your thoughts and speech. Your words are your most attractive asset in the dating world.
The man who has mastered any or all of these concepts may be said to be fearing God both visibly and in secret. To earn an honest living, to treat women with respect and gentleness, and to develop oneself through patient discipline are my interpretation of what is left unsaid in Ecclesiastes 12.
There is something that remains: help others. Find someone to mentor. Just because it was difficult for you to find love, peace, and financial stability does not mean it needs to the same for the next guy. Speak peace and confidence into those who you would otherwise judge as less than you. Make a commitment to yourself to offer guidance to younger men if they are willing to listen. Tell a new college graduate how you got your first job, tell the struggling addict that God wants them to be free of addiction. Add light and peace to the world. To this final act of manliness you are obliged.
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