There is a paradox in dating that you may have observed. To be confident enough to introduce yourself to a woman you must believe that you are worthy of affection and romance. At the same time to grow as a man you must accept that you aren’t yet at your best state.
To be a deeply attractive man your ego must be mutable. When I introduce myself to a potential dating partner I attempt to keep these two forces in balance. I remind myself that there are women who will gladly accept me as I am and the woman I’m talking to may be one of them. Simultaneously, I observe my actions and critique myself if I observe her losing interest. Lately, I’ve been working on speaking more slowly. I tend to get excited when talking to a woman and will act too eager and too energetic. That is immature behavior and I am working to change it.
I bring up that example because when I first realized that I was, in fact, speaking too quickly I became upset. Not upset at women but upset at the notion that I’m twenty-nine years old and I still have those kinds of character flaws. It’s a common myth that maturity comes with age and while in some ways this is true the tough reality is that maturity comes with work and self-awareness.
It’s important to remember at this point that the effort is worth the reward. You may be fascinated to hear that modern cognitive neuroscience has discovered the brain region associated with the ability to determine if some reward is worth the effort. The anterior cingulate cortex governs your ability to exert effort to obtain a reward. The study in citation [1] found evidence of reward maximisation and effort minimization. This plays directly into dating because many individuals who participate in the dating game consider it to be exhausting and effortful in many ways. Therefore, to hack your anterior cingulate cortex you must cultivate an understanding in your mind that the reward of finding love is in fact worth the significant level of effort it requires.
You may be thinking that this is a version of “manifesting”. I would disagree only in this way: manifestation is superstitious but cultivating a correct view of relationships and using that view to calibrate your brain’s reward system is science. To take advantage of this principle you can take time to write out your ideal lifestyle.
My ideal lifestyle that I want to achieve within five to ten years is a healthy marriage with a gorgeous woman in a modest home. We will have two used but well-maintained vehicles, we will have several empty rooms for our children, and we will spend our evenings and weekends connecting as a family. This will reward me with companionship, meaning, and a reason to care about the future for my children’s sake. I will have the joy and privilege of teaching my son or daughter everything I know about engineering and problem solving so that they can have a strong foundation if they choose to pursue a similar career. I will be rewarded with the smile on my wife’s face when I perform acts of consideration and care. I will be rewarded when we are cuddling on the couch during family movie night and she puts her hand on mine.
When I put that vision in my head and believe that it will come to pass only as a function of my effort, the idea of being rejected once more seems insignificant. The work it will take to change my personality to be more attractive is a small step towards such a beautiful lifestyle. The discipline I must cultivate each day to exercise and maintain my health and appearance are going to pay off as I drift off to sleep each night with my wife in my arms after I read my children a book to fuel their dreams.
References
[1]
Neural Signatures of Value Comparison in Human Cingulate Cortex during Decisions Requiring an Effort-Reward Trade-off
Miriam C. Klein-Flügge, Steven W. Kennerley, Karl Friston, Sven Bestmann
Journal of Neuroscience 28 September 2016, 36 (39) 10002-10015; DOI: 10.1523/JNEUROSCI.0292-16.2016
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