I have always known theoretically that independence was a prerequisite of starting and maintaining a relationship with a strong woman. It has, however, only been recently that I have begun to effectively build this pillar of inner strength – and not without effort. By independence, I mean the ability to stand on one’s own emotionally, financially, and socially without requiring any validation. I used to call it non-neediness. But I prefer the term independence because it highlights the positive traits to develop, rather than simply avoiding negative ones. Surprisingly, confidence and independence are not the same character trait. They are tightly coupled but not the same. I spent years developing my confidence around meeting and introducing myself to women but failed to observe how my confidence came from a place of neediness. I was dating from a place of desperation.
There is, however, a way to be lonely without being desperate. To acknowledge your need for connection without being clingy or overly attached. Simply put, healthy independence is built through finding a set of activities or hobbies that you can do alone that bring you joy. For me, those activities are running, reading, engineering, as well as attending events, concerts, and conventions alone. I can do all of those things without talking to anyone else and I still have a good time. I found growth when I began to consider independence as a gift that I am preparing for my future partner.
By giving this gift of independence you ensure your relationship has emotional stability and reduced anxiety for both partners. Women feel comforted and safe when they are with an independent man. They feel like they don’t have to take care of him or worry about his needs which allows them to focus on the needs of themselves and the children. In that sense, independence is an act of selflessness. A paradox for sure.
It is possible to go too far with independence. Independence crosses into emotional unavailability when you become afraid to admit that, at some point in your life, you will need and desire connection. It is this paradox of balanced connection with others that confuses not only young adults but also much of the adult population. This is manifested in the sky-high divorce rates in America. You can be sure that many failed marriages were broken by either too much neediness or too little emotional vulnerability. Both neediness and independence can be a trauma response that both come from the same place. If you have had a particularly heart-wrenching break up or are sensitive to rejection you may respond either by becoming clingy or by becoming emotionally untouchable.
As you grow in this pillar of self-development you can implement practical habits to reinforce balance. One approach is to show interest in strangers who you otherwise wouldn’t because they don’t fall into your pre-ordained categories of dating options or friendship material. Reach beyond your own preferred stereotypes and talk to someone different. In this way, you reinforce the right kind of independence – one that is centered around becoming a positive presence in the world. Independence should complement a healthy desire for connection. For me, this works out to a few nights a week during which I stay alone in my home and don’t allow myself to call or message anyone. One other piece of advice I have is to delete Tinder and social media apps like Discord. If you want to interact with someone you should be forced to do so in real life. Time at home should be your opportunity to embrace and make peace with solitude.
Loneliness is not a weak emotion and, in fact, trying to suppress loneliness is very unhealthy. At a high level the correct response to loneliness is in fact to pursue connection by confidently starting conversations with strangers and assessing if they may be worth adding to your life. Patience is the subtle skill required for working through loneliness without being desperate. If you meet a new dating partner that’s great news! Be careful though to make yourself slow down and really examine if they are good for you or if you are just desperate for connection. If desperation is the case, thank yourself for the courage to have met them and go back to focusing on developing yourself.
As you spend the months and years required to develop independence you should reflect on the root cause of your emotional needs. Spend some time considering the following questions.
What in my past may have caused me to become needy for love?
Why do I feel like others owe me companionship?
Why do I need companionship?
Why do I crave attention sometimes?
What hobby would I maintain if no one ever appreciated the results?
Cultivating independence will take years of patient work and the self-control to avoid old habits. Pay careful attention to yourself when you engage with those to which you are closest. Examine also how you act when you meet someone new. Do not be ashamed if you have pain inside of you but realize that it is your responsibility to start the healing process. The reward of one day being able to be strong for someone else in their hour of need is well worth the emotional toil that developing independence requires.
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