There is a jumping off point from loneliness when you internalize the truth that you can talk to anyone around you at any time. When I first developed this skill it was in order to find love but there are so many more reasons to confidently introduce yourself to strangers and dating is only one small slice of that. I likely benefit from a modest level of autism in that I break socializing down into patterns. I am writing this article as a service then to the neurotypicals and the neurodivergents like me. A lifeline to those afflicted by the loneliness epidemic. So read on, practice the skills outlined with the utmost respect for others, and in due time you will be overrun with friendship, love, and connection.
Step 1 – work on yourself
Start with you. It is true what they say “work on yourself first”. But as an engineer I never liked the ambiguity of that advice so here’s a more complete breakdown. To be able to give emotional benefit to others you must be mentally healthy, independent, confident, and respectful. The first is above my pay grade but can be easily acquired through therapy and journaling. Independence comes from developing solo-hobbies that fulfill you and learning how to be alone without being lonely (a paradox, I know, see this article). Confidence comes from overcoming fears of all kinds. As for social anxiety all I have to say is that I have learned to love the fear because the reward – connection with others – is so euphoric as to eclipse any early payment of social anxiety. Finally, respect comes from seeing all people (even the ones you don’t like) as equals to yourself. Take time, no more than a few months, to work on these traits and then you will be ready for the next paragraph.
Step 2 – figure out what you have and want
Identify what kind of friends or lovers you want as well as what you have to give. I won’t disclose my answer to the former but as for what I have to give I am kind, I am respectful, I am honest, and I am caring. Identify personality traits within yourself that would make others happy. This is what you bring to the table. Don’t forget to be specific about who you want to meet for example
- You may want to meet friends to go fishing with
- Or you want someone to watch football with
- Maybe a lover who plays tennis like you do
Be specific. These details will inform where you will meet the companions you are seeking. Next, determine a set of habits that you will develop to allow for opportunities to meet these people. If you want a girlfriend to watch anime with, find out when the next Comic-Con is taking place near you and make sure to buy tickets for it. If you want friends with which to fish look for outdoor hiking clubs to attend.
Step 3 – Be consistent
Be creative. But more importantly be consistent. You likely won’t meet anyone you click with on day one. It’s crucial that you choose a location or group activity you will attend on a regular basis to allow for natural connections to flourish and trust to be built.
Step 4 – Start the conversation
This is when your new-found confidence will become relevant. Let’s say you have chosen a favorite cafe in which to read. You have decided, for example, that you like the fashion sense of those who frequent this cafe. One day, a gorgeous dark-haired woman enters the cafe and sits down to read. You were, of course, already reading because you practice independence. So, you both have something to talk about. You must now muster up the courage to go say “Excuse me, may I ask what are you reading?” This idea probably ignites anxiety for some readers. Allow me to comfort you.
The above question is ideal in many ways and is a great starting point. It is respectful, open-ended, and shows interest in the others person’s intellect. You may be surprised to hear that many women dream of such a meeting occurring. If you don’t believe me read a romance novel. Most romance novels have their protagonists meeting in some similar serendipitous way.
Step 5 – Gauge verbal and non-verbal reaction
Assuming her response was pleasant your role now is to lead the conversation. The art of leading a conversation is very much a push and pull. It is your first emotional dance with this person – make it memorable. The first push was when you asked her that initial question. The first pull is to gauge her response. Did she seem happy to explain the book? Did she ask what you are reading? If so you can lead on to discuss, for example, similar books you have read. If, alternatively, she seemed distance, dismissive, or downright disinterested now is the time to thank her for her time and return to your book.
Here are some non-verbal queues that disclose comfort. Their inversions are a sign of discomfort and mean you should say goodbye.
- Laughing
- Eye contact
- Open posture
- Smiling
- Excited
- Asking you questions
I should note that because my example comes from a frame of romance, the dance is unique and I won’t go down the dating rabbit-hole in this article. If you want to know more about the specifics of starting a romance with a stranger please start by reviewing the flowchart linked here. I will write a more thorough article explaining the flowchart in time. This article is meant to focus on both making friends and dating so I’ve tucked dating into its own domain.
As you can see from the example the same principles apply if your goal is not romance but friendship. Start with a gentle open-ended question, then gauge their response – both verbal and non-verbal – and if it is positive, ask another question. Push, pull, push, pull. If you find there is enough chemistry there to warrant more time spent together you must produce one final burst of courage and ask for their contact information. I recommend Instagram because most people, understandably, don’t want to share their number with a stranger.
Step 6 – Build a relationship
The rest, as they say, is history. If you have chemistry and someone’s contact information the sky is the limit. Plan a concert to attend together. Grab a coffee sometime together. Go to the climbing gym together. Just remember that you will likely be the one taking the leadership role in the beginning of the relationship and that’s ok. Most people really appreciate being desired either as a friend or romantically.
Master the above skills and the ball is, as they say, in your court. You now have everything you need to cure your loneliness. Start by cultivating your mental health, independence, confidence, and respect for others. Pair those core traits with a little bit of planning and the courage to say hello. Soon you will have forgotten the days of bowling alone.
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