I have slowly begun to appreciate that being single has many often overlooked benefits which are lost when you are invested in a relationship. This has not stopped my heart from desiring to know and be known but it has given me patience and peace. I was recently at my niece’s sixth birthday party and was blessed to see people with whom I grew up and hadn’t spoken to in over a decade. They each had beautiful young children and at first, I was jealous. But as I calmed myself down and took a step back I begin to appreciate the benefits of being single.
Peace and silence
Having a child is a huge investment of time, energy, and resources. These resources are well spent but they require a parent’s full attention. After the birthday party I went home and read a book for three hours completely undisturbed. That’s an impossible task for a parent of a young child. They likely haven’t done anything undisturbed since their child was born. Why am I in such a rush to give up the ability to sit quietly and read? And what about writing? Composing these essays requires focus and attention. If I had a child tugging at my sleeve I would gladly stop and address their needs but at the cost of a continuous train of thought.
Serving my community
You can be in a relationship without the challenges and rewards of children. But even this has its trade-offs. At this time in my life I am not focusing on one woman’s heart solely. Instead, I am free to focus on meeting the needs of others. I see now that my emotional needs are eclipsed by the survival needs of those in my neighborhood, city, and country. My needs matter, but they are less urgent than ensuring my neighbor has food and shelter. I have committed to spending this time as a single man to prioritize the needs of my community above my own needs until such a time as my emotional needs can be peacefully and appropriately addressed. I have written in previous articles that real men put the needs of others before their own and it is time I put this value into action.
Self-improvement
Their is wisdom in the aphorism to “work on yourself” when alone which I have yet to fully appreciate. I keep my home somewhat clean and am only moderately proficient in saving and spending with wisdom. So, I need to slow myself down and work on, as the Lord put it, removing the log in my own eye (Matthew 7:3-5). What right do I have to “demand” a perfect partner when I can’t even make my bed every morning? I don’t mean that I need to earn love but while I wait I could at least make a budget.
The value of writing
If you find yourself in a similar place in your life I encourage you to try your hand at writing or start a journal. Often times, our desire for a relationship is rooted in a need to feel heard and known. It turns out that much of what we spew into the airspace around us is better left unsaid or kept within us. Not as a way of bottling up our feelings, but because listening is so much more satisfying than speaking. The mind is an echo chamber. Our thoughts go in circles endlessly reinforcing our prior beliefs and traumatic responses. To listen to someone else is an act of both giving and of deliverance.
When you write you increase your capacity to listen. By articulating a narrative or argument to an imagined audience you put your opinion out there “once and for all” and the compulsive desire to spew your mind to anyone who doesn’t walk away will begin to dissipate. You will have the mental peace and independence to give others their turn to speak. I have discovered one more thing that the patient reader will treasure. Listening for abstractions.
The climb to understanding
Listening for abstractions is a skill that emerges as you slowly and patiently write out your thoughts for an audience and is not achievable by journaling alone. When you write to be read you will begin to see that essays and narratives must have structure. Individuals words, sentences, and paragraphs are hand holds on a climbing wall which you install for your reader on the route of communication. In a climbing gym the professionals who design climbing routes are called “setters”. They use creativity and experience to plan a series of actions which the climber must overcome to reach the top.
When we begin to care genuinely about listening to others we are like beginning climbers. Our attention muscles are weak and we often can’t keep focus to see beyond the individual words that are given to us. As we listen and write and write and listen we gain a new ability: to see the heart and truth of what the other person is attempting to communicate.
Solitude as a route to connection
Likely very few readers will finish this essay. My website metrics show that only truly engaging articles can keep a reader on the page for more than about two minutes. I have no complaints because that’s not why I write these articles. I would feel blessed if one day I meet a woman who cared enough about me to read each article. She would certainly learn a lot about who I am and where I’ve been. But that’s not a must-have. My must-have is an ability to listen deeply to others and join them on their climbs to peace. I want to master the handholds of listening so that I can reach towards trust.
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