I am writing this article as a sort of tantrum. A way for me to begin to parse through my confusion when it comes to God, sexuality and relationships. I am really struggling to obey the Bible in regard to not having sex before marriage. Unfortunately, I find myself in the lusty “marry or burn” category specified by 1 Corinthians 7:9. But marriage takes a long time and I don’t honestly believe that I can stay faithful to one woman. So, with heavy heart, I am developing a plan for my own sexuality which balances my desire to please the Lord as well reality and the constraints of my biology.
In essence, I want to live my life without getting married. I want to love many women without making a promise which I cannot keep to any one of them. I know that I have the Holy Spirit and that living in the Holy Spirit means that you do not have to sin. Is it sin to seek to please the Lord while also being honest about your own emotional and physical needs? Is it sin for a Christian soldier to commit murder during war? Wouldn’t their pastor, if asked, say that what they did was not a sin but out of necessity?
I have learned much about how to date in a healthy way from my religion. The first lesson is patience and keeping God first. I want to be the kind of man who engages in slow, patient seduction. There is more pleasure in feeling emotionally close to someone than in any act of consummation. I want to slowly earn a woman’s trust as well as her heart through listening and speaking with purpose. To what purpose? To the purpose of deep mental intimacy. I want my lovers to see me as a safe harbor of vulnerability.
It has taken me a long time to decide what kind of man I want to be. I’ve decided that above all I want to be a man with a full mind. I want to be able to have long and meaningful conversations with my lovers and be able to ask each other the sort of questions only lovers can utter. But I don’t want love to be what’s on my mind when I speak but rather pointing others to Christ. This is hard for me to write because I feel as though I may be preaching something other than what the bible says. To that end, I have only to say for myself that I am forgiven in Christ and that I am always listening and open to God’s instruction.
I want my lovers to remember me for my kindness, not my strength. Strength is important for being someone’s safe harbor, but there are plenty of strong men in the world, I want to be one of the kind ones. Slow to anger, always calm, and forever open to correction and feedback. I want to take my time to fully see and understand the women I date before we go our separate ways. This acceptance of the end of relationships is my greatest jumping off point from marriage.
I don’t trust that I can maintain a faithful commitment to one woman for my entire life. It is simply not who I am. I enjoy the journey of falling in love more than the destination. Of course, I want commitment, I want that safe harbor for myself. I want a woman who I can commit to and trust completely. But I don’t think I can honestly keep that commitment. I’m simply too excited by the opposite sex. I wish I were the kind of man who could say honestly “All other lights are dim when compared to you, my dear” but I have tried and I cannot.
I more enjoy the chase, the effort, the seduction, the dance and I don’t want to be captured by any one woman. There was a time in my life when I complained about the high standards of the women around me. I hoped that in marriage I would find a woman to accept me without any improvement. I wanted to be able to marry a gorgeous woman and then forget about improving myself. But I don’t want that any more. No, I want instead to rise up to the high standards of many gorgeous women without weakness or compromise.
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