I have often struggled with an annoying habit of growing attached to new potential partners way too quickly. This, understandably, scares many of them away. I know at the level of my intellect that this is bad. The issue, of course, is that my heart seems to ignore my head in a bullish and adamant way. So, I have spent much effort reflecting on how to slow down my attachment process to the steady trickle that is often healthiest. I imagine there are others with the same issue and I would like to share my progress on this.
I have certainly grown in this area. There was a time when I had very, let’s say, Hollywood rom-com-esque expectations of dating. Kissing after the first date, finding my soulmate, etc. And these issues were relatively easier to resolve within myself because they exist at the level of the imagination and could be trained out of me through repeated (and later appreciated) disappointment as reality fails to shine in the limelight of my imagination. But I’m glad for that. A slow burn is so much more satisfying. So much more secure and peaceful. But I don’t yet know how to achieve that level of patience beyond rote self-control which fails when I attempt to “let go”.
It’s healthy to let go and not attempt to analyze and control your romantic interactions. My issue is that when I “let go” my neediness and attachment issues come to the surface and what I think is natural behavior is often very off-putting indeed. So, my efforts are focused these days on understanding what exactly my heart is missing that can be found through any other avenue than a romantic partner. Of course, it would be nice to have someone who could love me as a I am. And she no doubt exists, but it’s my responsibility to grow in the meantime and trust that I will meet women somewhere in the middle. My half of the picture is to work on slowing my heart down. The other half is to find someone willing to look past my flaws and see the love I have to give.
The ultimate answer is friendship. The penultimate solution is independence and that is a crucial component. But friends are the secret sauce for meeting one’s emotional needs outside of a romantic relationship. Friendships are so much less emotionally risky than dating yet meet the same need for closeness. So, recently, I’ve been redirecting my competency of talking to strangers towards making friends and allowing lovers to rest on the back-burner. The slow back-burner.
The insidiousness of personal development issues is that they can trap you in a place of low self-esteem. This is a lie and if you hear that voice inside of you speaking lies ignore it or call it out. Always remember that you are worthy of love. I wrote this article to redirect my mind and focus towards the aforementioned goal. With patience and time I know that my heart will align with the truth that I know: I am worthy of love. I hope you gain some benefit from my reflection on your own journey 🙂
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