I am grateful to be single as well as to have glimpsed the kingdom of heaven. I have time to reflect on what I ought to do with myself and whom I must become. I am ironing out my flaws and preparing myself to have a “full cup” to give to the correct future partner. It’s common among singles to create a checklist for what they want in a spouse. That’s not necessarily wrong, but it misses the fact that a relationship is a two-way street. It is better to first write your own “checklist” that you can improve upon before asking anything of the opposite sex.
Matthew 7:3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?
Without the guidance of Scripture, being single can seem like a failure. The seventh chapter of First Corinthians tells us singleness is an opportunity.
32 I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord.
33 But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—
34 and his interests are divided….
I struggle with this passage. I do desire a wife, yet I yearn to see God’s face even more than the face of the “ideal damsel”.
Yet in one aspect I have clarity – while I am single my main focus will be to serve the Lord. This perspective flips the script from singlehood being a burden to a season of focus. I have the time, resources, and energy to care for many. If and when I find a partner I will need to balance the care of her heart with my desire to serve all. It makes sense that before I attempt both, I must master care for others.
We are now at a place in the discussion where preparation has been made to set standards for what kind of woman would match this goal. It is easy to allow desperation for companionship to lower one’s standards. Yet spiritual leadership – to which all men are called – requires patience and strength. There must be patience to endure solitude without compromising on one’s values. And you must have strength to hold the women you meet to standards and not allow poor behavior to be excused. I have only one non-negotiable in dating: God must be more important to Her I am.
Ensuring that this is Her paradigm is a matter of equal yoking. Second Corinthians chapter six cautions us:
14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness?
Yoking refers to the method by which oxen are bound together in order to combine their strength while plowing a field. If the left ox is stronger than the right the couple will veer off-course to the side of the stronger ox. Eventually, the goal of plowing the field will not be accomplished. If the right ox is more motivated it will carry the entire load and become exhausted. When I look back on women I’ve dated since giving my life to Christ this rings true. I’ve had women tell me they value honesty yet lie. Some preach communication then hide their true feelings. I can taste metal in my mouth each time I’ve attempted to date an unbeliever.
In the past, I reasoned that I was overly religious and I so lowered my standards to look for a “nice” woman. The issue is that even nice women (like all of us) have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God. It is not possible to manifest true “goodness” without the Holy Spirit. I spent many years seeking righteousness through Buddhism, but it brought me only pain and confusion. I yielded to Christ’s righteousness only because my “goodness” was a shallow mask over a sinful and selfish heart.
Furthermore, a life dedicated to God’s service would seem fanatical to someone who does not see Christ as the Lord of their life. She may respect my religion but it wouldn’t make sense to her that I talk, think, and act upon it beyond Sunday morning. She would see it is as only a religion. My discipleship may be admirable but she would never see the spiritual value of a commitment to Christ. It’s painful to write these words because it narrows my dating pool, but such is my cross to bear.
To complicate matters, I have decided not to date any of the women at my church because I don’t want my beautiful church to turn into speed dating. I have wasted too many years chasing relationships, and I don’t want that from the church I attend. I would rather be single than be distracted during service. I am not against meeting someone at my church but my heart isn’t set on it. I would prefer to meet a woman who attends a different church so that we can each focus on our unique walks with God.
I wrote this article to reinforce a standard on which my heart has been wavering: I must remain single until and unless I meet a woman who loves the Lord more than me. I am afraid to set this standard, but it is time for me to rise up and lead spiritually. Do you dare consider the same?
Leave a Reply